Not Worth It
by Hey-Fay
Summary: SADSTUCK. Mild spoilers. What happens when you fail someone you hold dear? You hope you get a second chance to fix it.  EDIT EDIT EDIT: Thank you for the reviews! And the favs and watches! There will be a few more chapters before this beast is done.
1. Chapter 1

_I remember everything._

_Nepeta... Equius... I cut off Tavros's motherfuckin head and carried it around like a stuffed toy. I don't deserve to live after what I did... after what I was going to do. _

_Fuck... just.. fuck. _

_If motherfuckin best friend hadn't been there to snap me out of it... I, I would have tried to kill the rest too._

_I don't deserve to fucking live._

_**"Stay away from the ocean." **_

_That's what you always told me. But I think I'm going to have to break that rule..._

"Hey, fuckass!"

You don't even bother to turn around, you know its Karkat. He's been coming around more and more since the game ended. Mostly to just see if you're eating the Sopor and staying the nice mellowed out Gamzee everyone knows and loves. No one wants you sober; least of all you. At least when you're high the memories aren't as vivid.

"Gamzee! What the fuck are you doing out here?"

A slight shrug of your shoulders is all the response you give him; your long legs dangling off the edge of the cliff as you look out over the watery horizon.

"Get the fuck away from the edge, you bulge sucking nook stain, I don't feel like dragging your ass out of the fucking ocean if you fall."

"I can't swim." You whisper softly above the roar of the tide crashing against the cliff wall.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You've lived right next to the fucking ocean your whole fucking life and it never crossed your thick think pan to fucking learn how to swim?"

"Goatdad never let me near the water." Was your quiet reply. You hear Karkat shuffle his feet and just imagine him cursing himself for the involuntary pain he's caused because of that sensitive subject.

"Why did you do it?" You ask him.

"Do what?" He sounds confused and you mentally see him scrunching his face up.

"Why did you save me? Why all the shoosh paps? Why didn't you just gut me like you should have done, or let Kanaya?" Feet shuffle and a shadow falls over you before he rests his hand on your shoulder. There's a pause and he doesn't answer.

"Why, Karkat?" Finally you turn your eyes away from the setting moons and upwards to his face.

"Gamzee..." His eyes tear up, translucent red pooling at the corners of each glowing eye a moment before spilling over to streak the color he hates down his grey cheeks. You shake your head and give a soft sigh, looking back towards the sea.

"C'mon Gamz, let's go back. It's gonna get light soon." He clears his throat and sniffs, the hand on your shoulder removed to wipe away tears.

"I'm sorry, best friend." You whisper and throw a sad and crooked smile over your shoulder at him.

His brow is scrunched together and lips parted, tongue poised to ask 'why'. And almost immediately his expression changes to one of urgency and horror as understanding clicks into place. He lunges for you, fingers barely brushing the back of your shirt as you throw yourself from your sitting position off the cliff. You hear him scream your name and somehow you turn in mid-air and see his horrified face as he stretches his arm out to you fruitlessly. You close your eyes, your blood bladder pounding in your hear tunnels and blocking out all other sound, and smile one last smile.


	2. Chapter 2

"FUCK!"

He hit the water hard enough to break bones, he probably died on impact; yet you still tear off your shoes faster than you ever have before and take a running dive off the cliff after him.

You inhale, forcing oxygen into your air sacks and holding it there as you make your swift decent; the tide rises up to meet you. Icy water embraces you like a forgotten lover and you exhale a bit before you can stop yourself. It's dark, and the salt burns your eyes yet you gather your bearings and scan the watery tomb for your friend. A blurry outline of orange horns catches your peripheral vision and you swim as hard as you can to catch him before he sinks even lower into the ebony depths.

Your fingertips brush his hair and you grab a hand full of it, wrenching him upwards by his untamable locks as you struggle to get a better grasp on him. Your chest is starting to burn, stale air sitting in your breathing bags like lead. You expel a tiny bit more and watch the bubbles rapidly float to the surface. You manage to pull your friend up far enough so you can wrap your arms under his; then you kick your legs as hard as you can and begin to ascend.

Your head breaks the surface and you gasp, it feels like years since you've taken a breath. Your legs tread the water and you hoist Gamzee up until his nose and mouth is out of the liquid death trap as well.

The shore looks so far away and your muscles are starting to protest, you manage a broken curse as you cough water back out of your mouth and start to claw your way to the shore; your best friend in tow. But the sea is an unforgiving mistress and once she has her prey she doesn't easily let it go.

The push and pull of the waves are brutal and you labor to keep yourself and your companion afloat.

After what seems like an eternity your toes brush the bottom of the strand. Hope blossoms like fire in your chest and you push yourself harder to reach your goal. The closer you get to the beach the heaver Gamzee gets until the waters at your ankles and your dragging his limp body onto the sand.

Finally your knees buckle and you collapse, your friend lying motionless inches away from you with his limbs spread akimbo. You cough again and force tired arms and legs to pick you up from your gritty resting place.

With shaking hands you check his pulse and tears prick your eyes when you find none. Thoughts whirl through your think pan in a speeding, jumbled mess.

_ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck_

Then a thought hits you like a rocket chair and you remember John forcing you to learn what humans called 'CPR'.

You place quivering hands onto his chest, locking your fingers like you were taught and start to press down hard and fast; counting as you do.

"One, two, three, four..."

You reach thirty and stop, checking his pulse again. Like before there is none so you continue on to the next step the derpy human boy taught you and tilt his head back, pinching his scarred nose and opening his mouth. You place your lips on his, to frantic to be nervous, and breathe into him twice; watching his chest rise as you do.

You repeat the process, loosing track of how long and how many times you do; it could have been minutes then again it could have been hours. Pale crimson tears leak freely, staining your face and whatever else they happen to hit. You're starting to lose hope that you can bring him back, your mind is getting hazy yet your body's still going through the motions. Then a miracle happens.

He convulses. His chest arching up slightly as water is pushed from his lungs and out his mouth. You jerk away slightly, surprise nipping you so hard it hurts your blood pump. You recover in record time, rolling him over onto his side and beating the shit out of his back. He vomits water, the harsh liquid gushing from his mouth and nose and you see his stomach muscles constrict as he forces the last of the sea from his body.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

Your screaming at him, rage clawing its way out from inside you as you yell at the top of your voice about how fucking stupid that was. You don't think he hears you which fuels your animosity more. You're hitting him, fists balled and connecting with sodden clothed flesh. He doesn't resist and your anger dulls into bitter tears as he just lays there, his breathing ragged and eyes dully staring ahead.

Your fully crying now, your legs pulled up to your chest with your face buried in your knees. He shifts and a sand coated hand comes to rest limply on your bare foot. It's the only comfort he can give you at the moment, and you gladly take it. Your sobs recede into shuddering hiccups then into small hitches in your breath. Finally you lift your head and look right at him.

"Don't you EVER do that again, fuckass."

A small cough is his reply as he stares into the dim sky.


	3. Chapter 3

It hurts to breathe. It feels like your insides have been scorched and your muscles scream in agony with each ragged breath you take. You're confused; you remember the fall, the pain of your back hitting the water and the unexpected feeling of icy liquid filling your oxygen bags. You remember the sharp panic that lanced its way through your chest as your mind screamed regret. You remember flailing around but only sinking as creeping darkness invaded your vision. Then you remember dying.

Your dream bubble wasn't what you thought it would be. You weren't in your hive like you should have been, nor were you among friends. You remember darkness, and the blood. The corpses of your slaughtered comrades on morbid display as you relived your worst moments. Then the voices were there. Only they possessed their own bodies, formed of an inky Cimmerian shade that reeked malice and rancor. And there was no escape from them.

Then like a bad dream it ended and you were pulled from the embrace of death like a thorn plucked from flesh. You're confused but one thing is for certain, you're alive again. Karkat was screaming, then hitting you with closed fists but you barely felt the muted blows. Your beat pump was hammering so hard your felt each pulse of violaceous blood flow through your once still veins, and it _hurts. _

You hear your best friend sobbing and with great effort you shift just enough to drag your arm towards him and rest a shaking hand on what you assumed was his foot. Tears are starting to gather in your eyes as you realize the gravity of the situation.

Your best motherfuckin friend jumped off a cliff to save your worthless ass.

He pulled you from the sea and stole you back from the arms of Death.

_And he saved you from Hell_.

You hear his muffled voice but can't make out the words and you open your mouth to speak but just cough instead.


	4. Chapter 4

"Get up."

Your knees creak and muscles protest as you obey your own command, one that was meant more for Gamzee than for yourself. He doesn't seem to hear you though, his greyish violet eyes still staring half-lidded at the dim Alternia sky.

"I said get up, Fuckass." You growl, voice husky from your battle with the sea. You nudge his side with your foot, sand brushing off of your toes to stick to his soaked and grit covered shirt. He blinks owlishly, head turning to one side as salt irritated eyes come to rest on your own stinging orbs. The shift in position causes translucent mauve tears to spill over and streak a trail down his nose and cheek. He whispers something to soft to catch and you snarl as hollow frustration springs up like a clawbeast. You bend, to quickly for your liking, and shove an outstretched hand in his face; offering it to him like a spoiled wriggler made to share his toy. You observe the great deal of effort on his part to take it, his arm trembling and grip weak as he wraps his long slender fingers around your smaller ones.

You take a step back and pull him up to his knees, he gasps in discomfort while you wince. A fit of coughing overtakes him and he slumps forward, his head resting on your hip as he gasps for air. You frown then mumble a few choice profanities before gripping his upper arms and hoisting him to shaky feet.

"C'mon, let's go."

You start to walk, his left arm draped over your shoulders and your right arm clenched 'round his side. It's awkward, Gamzee leaning heavily on you and you him. You're holding each other up, both too tired to stand alone.

He croaks out a soft broken sentence but the wind sweeps it away before you can catch what it was.

"What?" You snap, teeth bared into a feral grimace.

"Home is... the other direction."

You're too tired to let loose the string of insults that come to mind and they die bitter on your tongue as you both manage to turn and start the long trip back. The pair of you stumbles a lot, feet tripping over one another and the sand making everything all the more difficult and you come to one solid conclusion:

You fucking _hate _the beach.

The sky is getting brighter; twin moons almost completely gone as they dip down low over the horizon, taking their leave and giving the new day to the sun. You're starting to sweat, your beat pump thumping so hard in your chest cavity you're half afraid it'll burst. You're racing against the rising dawn and panic is starting grow, sinking thorny roots in your mind and curling around your blood bladder. You're not Kanaya, neither you nor Gamzee could withstand the harsh rays for long, it would blister your exposed flesh like raw meat on a Cookalizer.

There's a rise in the sand and with screaming muscles the two of you claw your way to the top. You crest the slope and collapse, Gamzee crumpled in a wheezing heap of trembling limbs beside you. Black spots dance before your sight as you fight for air alongside him.

A hand is placed on your shoulder and you drag your head up off the ground to see Gamzee resting on his knees, an expression of relief etched on his weary face. You follow his gaze and almost cry out at the sight of his hive, the large yellow rain protector on the tower just starting to glow with the first hints of morning.

You struggle to your knees and this time it's Gamzee who offers you a hand. You're tempted to smack it away but your fingers curl around his as he pulls you to your aching feet. He sways and you snake your arm back around his waist before he falls. The two of you stagger almost drunkenly towards the safety of the hive, adrenalin mixed with excitement pounding through your veins as the object of your desire gets closer and closer. Then without warning the sun rises and those first fiery rays hit the ocean like a flash and you cry out as it scorches your vision.

You fall, hands clamped over your eyes as the heal of your palms grind into them. Terror has dug its icy claws into you and you can't shake it. Half of your think pan is screaming that you're blind while the other half is trying to be rational and your internal conflict is making it feel like you're dying.

Gamzee is there tugging at your arm and shirt urgently trying to pull you to your feet. You allow him to hoist you up, his horse words falling on deaf ears as he all but drags you the rest of the stretch. The pair of you reaches his home and he throws the door open, causing it to thud heavily against the wall then come to a soft close behind you. Your arms are stretched out in front of you, eyes still closed tight as you shuffle deeper into the safety of cool darkness.

Your legs give out again and for the hundredth time that day you sink to the ground. You hear Gamzee do the same and you hesitate before opening your burning eyes, afraid that you really have gone blind.

Your lids flutter open and your perpetual frown deepens. Everything is dark. You blink several times before things start to clear up, your night vision is shot all to hell and everything looks blurry but you're relieved that you can still see.

Relief was followed by exhaustion and you found it harder and harder to keep your head up; Gamzee hadn't moved from his spot on the floor and his breathing had evened out greatly. You lie back on the hard tiles, vaguely wishing for a recuperacoon, and close your eyes.

A warm arm wraps around your middle and pulls you against a firm chest and you let loose a low growl as Gamzee buries his nose in the crook of your neck and murmurs a soft apology against your skin.

"Just go to sleep, douchebag." You whisper and give in to blissful unconsciousness.

"Anything you say, motherfuckin best friend."


	5. Chapter 5

Hours later you wake, a snarl immediately springing to your salt dried lips as you struggle to rise from the floor and Gamzee's embrace. Joints pop and muscles scream in tender agony as you force your body into a sitting position and blink away sleep. Your sight is still blurred from their brief yet painful encounter with the sun but you're certain they will heal and no permanent damage has been done. With gentle fingers you probe the scorched flesh around your eyes and wince as you find several blisters. A loud drawn out snore behind you snaps you out of your self examination and a low growl escapes your throat as you look down at your sleeping friend.

He looks peaceful, sleep smoothing away all expressions of his self-hate he wears in his waking hours and leaving nothing but the face of the boy you hold dear. You feel your temper starting up and tears beginning to form in your eyes as the memories of the prior day come crashing down. You clench your fists, nails biting into your palms as you grit your pointed teeth. You want to hit him, yell and scream and shake him and make him understand how bad he fucked up. You let out a choked breath you didn't even know you had held in and angrily scrub your tears away, causing you to inwardly curse as you irritate your burned face.

An emotion almost like panic is tearing its way through your chest and you have the urge to get away from your sleeping moirail. Your breath is coming in short bursts and you realize with a detached understanding you're having what the humans called an anxiety attack. You claw your way to your hands and knees, willing yourself to move move _move!_ But you can't, your limbs are locked up and all your mind is thinking about is how _he died_. Your thoughts are becoming warped and in your mind's eye you see images of Gamzee lost at sea or him lying on the beach with you trying so hard to bring him back but he doesn't wake up. There is a small rational part of your think pan that's whispering it's not real, he's alive, he's safe and you're ok but the other thoughts are screaming at you and you can't even begin to stop the full blown panic that's rapidly eating away at your sanity.

And then he's there, warm arms wrapped around your middle, pulling you from your frozen position and into his lap as he paps your back and pets your hair, all the while whispering soft apologies and "It's ok, motherfucker. I'm here, bro."

Somehow your arms wrap around his chest and you're clinging to his stiff shirt like your life depends on it. Your face is buried in his shoulder and you're full out crying and he's still saying the same thing like a mantra. You don't know how long you're like that but it feels like it ends all too soon. When your breathing no longer has small hitches and hiccups you reluctantly pull away and glare at his face. His eyes are the clearest you've ever seen them, pale indigo streaking trails down his face and lips set in a sad frown and you realize that look he has in his almost violet eyes. It's the look of pure and utter regret.

This time it's you who hold him. It's you who paps his back and whispers that it's going to be ok and yes that was fucking stupid dontyoueverdoitagain. It's you who silently rocks him back and forth like the human lusus's did to their grubs when they were upset. And it was your heart that broke all over again as he blubbered out the reasons behind why he jumped.

There's a twist in your gut as he snots all over your shoulder, crying out the reasons he tried to end his own life and with horrid realization you know you could have prevented it in the first place. But you were too much of a stuck up prick to do what needed to be done. You had failed him once as a moirail and then and there as you both sat on the body warmed tiles of his hives floor you made a vow that you would never fail him again.

"I'm so sorry, Karkat."

"It's ok, Gamzee. It's ok."


	6. Chapter 6

You let out a heavy sigh, head resting in your hands as you try to chase away the lingering shame that nags at your thoughts. You glance towards the large, red recuperacoon in the corner of the respiteblock and can just scarcely see the outline of Gamzee's sopor slicked back through the opening. Guilt coils your guts into a spiraled knot and pangs your beat pump when your eyes graze over his slumbering form. You shake your head and give an angry exhalation, the action almost sounding like a soft sigh. Your mind goes back to the conversation you had with him hours beforehand, replaying in your head like a film on loop.

He had apologized, over and over and over again and each time you had forgiven him. Each time you calmly pap'd and rubbed his back, murmuring soft words and coaxing each and every reason of why he did what he did out and into the open.

_"They all have to motherfuckin hate me."_

It felt like your blood bladder was being slowly crushed as he quietly sobbed the explanations out into your shoulder.

_"...I bludgeoned her fucking skull in..."_

A great weight had settled in the pit of your food bag and a lump had formed in your air tunnel as it dawned on you that you could have, no, you should have done what any moirail would have done and fixed the problem before it had gotten this far.

_"...a-and I cut off their motherfuckin heads..."_

And that was just what you're trying to do now.

You glance back over at the open husktop, recent Trollian log still open to display the conversation with your jade blooded friend even though she was long gone from her own computer; probably on her way here now. If anyone could help you fix this heaping pile of twisted shit it would be her, and you almost let out another sigh at that one small comfort.

You glance around the room once again, eyes running over the general mess of things but refusing to linger on the beehive like recuperacoon that your moirail was now resting in. His whole hive was in such a state of filth and disrepair it was a wonder you hadn't broken something while getting him from the floor of the cookingblock to the hygeinblock and then to his respiteblock, like your neck. Horns and empty Faygo bottles and filthy pie tins littered the floors and stairs and everywhere in-between, their rotting contents giving the place a nauseating smell. Dirty clothes were strewn in almost every room, lying in crumpled piles where ever he happened to drop them.

It was just another reminder of how far and hard your friend had fallen and how you weren't there to catch him until it was almost too late.

You look towards the door leading to the beach and inwardly grimace at the thought of the ocean. Never again will you like the beach or those murderous salt waters you used to play in as a wriggler. You grumble and pull your still sore body from the chair you were slouched in, your clothes crackling at the movement and you look down to see dried salt falling from the creases of your pants. Your face twists into a deep frown and you mutter a soft curse. You don't want to leave the room, fearing that he will wake up when you're gone and try to off himself again; but the thought of being clean and rid of the harsh salt and sand was too sweet a temptation to pass up. With another inward sigh you give in and quietly walk towards the hygeinblock.

You somehow managed to peel the stiff clothing from your body. Grit that was once trapped by pants and shirt fell free to litter the already soiled floor. The water was nearly scalding when you finally stepped into the ablution trap and a groan escapes your lips as the hot liquid cascades down your shoulders and back. Your hand is resting on the tiled wall facing you, arm outstretched and holding you up as you bask in the glorious heat running down your exhausted form. You reach blindly for hair cleanser but find none and an empty curse echoes through the room. Wiping water from your vision you scan the tub but only find a worn down bar of solid cleanser and a damp, musky smelling rag with black mold growing on it. You make a face mirroring the disgust you feel and pull the plastic curtain back to look about the room for cleanser. Cool air hits your flushed skin and chill bumps ripple across your arms and chest and you spit out a patented Karkat imprecation. There is no cleanser in sight and with a huff you jerk the curtain closed. You glair at the solid white bar with smoldering contempt, picking it up with clawed fingers before angrily scrubbing it against your head and body.

You resist leaving the temporary sanctuary of the shower, preferring to linger in the steam choked warmth and let the water wash away your thoughts for a brief time. There is a small, nagging voice in your head whispering that you're only wasting time by hiding like this. It calls you a coward for staying, for running from the problems at hand, for telling it to shut up because it's just a part of your fucking mind. Then it's no longer whispering what a coward you are, its screaming that you're the biggest piece of shit in the entire universe for not being there for your best fucking friend and other bad voices are joining the chorus of wails inside your head until finally you shut off the water in an angry rush and take a few deep, calming breaths.

"Fuck you." You mutter to your conscience and step out of the ablution trap.

You're dripping puddles and your wet feet re-collect sand and grit like a magnet. You're starting to shiver, the heat slowly seeping away from your steam kissed flesh and you hurriedly search for a clean towel. With a relieved sigh you find one, tucked away forgotten in the corner of the storage receptacle. You dry yourself and rub the towel violently over your dripping hair, tangling it up but you can't find the energy to care.

You wrap the dampened cloth around your hips and stalk out of the balmy room. Your feet carry you back to his respiteblock in hopes of finding clean clothes. He hasn't seemed to move within the recuperacoon and for that you're grateful, you don't want to have to face him again just yet. You pull open the door to his clothing receptacle and mutter a venomous oath at its empty hangers. A pair of crumpled grey and black polka dotted pants are discovered in the back corner and you pull them violently out, sending bits of dust and lint flying into the air. You shake them out and pull them on, tying the drawstring tightly. There huge on you, the legs falling well below your feet and you keep tugging them up so you don't trip. There wasn't a clean shirt to be found so you reluctantly go without.

Trollian was blinking; someone was trying to troll you while you were away. You pull up the chat and scan the teal text. Terezi asked what your plan was, Kanaya must have told her the conversation the two of you had earlier and you growl as you type out your reply. You wait briefly before she cackles back and tells you it's brilliant. You can't help the way the corners of your mouth curve up softly at her praise. You sign off in a huff and close the chat.

You're at the front of his hive now, cleaning because you can't just sit around with your thoughts anymore. Your picking up rancid pie tins and stuffing them into a bag held at arm's length when a firm knock echoes throughout the house. Your beat pump comes to a screeching halt and your blood turns to ice in your veins before your think pan kicks in and you realize it's been a few hours and it's probably Kanaya. You set the bag down and venture to the door being knocked upon.

"Who is it?" You ask, throwing as much venom as you can into the question; trying to mask the quiver in your voice.

"Kanaya." Comes the well pronounced reply and you fling the door open for the waiting troll.

She smiles at you, a soft look in her jade colored eyes and beckons you into her waiting arms. You step into the embrace as your emotions threaten to spill over as she hugs you warmly. Nothing is said and actions truly do speak louder than words in this small moment. She pulls away to look at you, her hands on your bare shoulders as she studies your face. You don't know what she's looking for but her expression softens into one of understanding and you choke back a sob as she pulls you to her chest for another hug.

"It is going to be ok, Karkat. I promise." She murmurs quietly into your knotted hair and you nod your head as tears prick your eyes once again.


	7. Chapter 7

You step aside to let her in and notice the way her smelling organ wrinkles up in distaste. You had forgotten about the raunchy scent permeating your moirails hive; your own olfactory glands being deadened to the offending odor due to prolonged exposure of it. You mutter an apology and she chokes out a "It's quite alright."

You lead her deeper into Gamzee's foul smelling abode, carefully side stepping tins and trash. You both reach the nutritionblock and you can see Kanaya visibly cringe. Your already heavy heart pangs, guilt and embarrassment reddening your face. She turns to you, a shocked and worried look painted on her delicate features.

"I know, OK. I fucking know. He fell hard-," you pause, tears threatening to choke you up, "he fell and I fuckin' let him."

"You are here now, Karkat. That is what matters."

You shake your head, trying hard not to let the tears fall, and turn your back to her; picking up a toppled chair and plopping down in it with a sigh. You're tired, eyes marred with dark circled and chest heavy with guilt. Her hand is gently placed on your shoulder and you look up at her pale face.

"What are we going to do... what am I going to do?"

"We are going to show him that there are things still in this world worth living for, and that he cannot keep living in the moments of his past deeds. He needs to see the others."


	8. Chapter 8

You think it was the smell that woke you first; sharp cleansing products mixed with something foul. You sit up and your head pounds, eyes throbbing in your skull, and you bring both sopor coated hands to cradle it. Your fingers run across the ridged scars over your nose and forehead and you sigh, head splitting and body aching from the night before. Your eyes snap open and your beat pump jolts painfully against your chest as memories from your botched suicide attempt rush back to you.

A dark oppressive feeling curls in your gut and you instantly want to forget. One hand reaches into the body warmed sopor and you don't even realize it till your licking the bitter stuff off your palm. Tears of shame prick your eyes but you still down large globs, each one making your aching head fuzzier till you're grinning through the coat of slime on your face and you can no longer remember why you're eating raw sopor.

You sit in your recuperacoon for a while, licking your fingers clean absently while your mind floats through a series of questions that you soon forget. Eventually you slide out of your resting place, green slime sliding down your naked frame and onto the grimy floor. Your first thoughts flutter towards the ablution trap and you smile as you agree with yourself.

The water turns to ice and you realize with a shiver that you've spaced out. You shut off the liquid that is quickly turning your body frigid and step out of the tub. There are no towels; you walk back to your respiteblock dripping.

There is a fresh set of clothes folded primly on your husktop chair; you pull them on without putting much thought into why or how they got there. They stick to your still damp body, but you don't mind. You don't mind much of any fuckin' thing right now. Your flying high and dazed, body warm and fuzzy from the sopor and it's fucking perfect. Your food bag grumbles and you frown, hand idly rubbing your complaining abdomen. You need some motherfuckin food.

You set off downstairs; looking around your hive as you descend from your respiteblock, and a slight frown forms, tugging the corners of your lips down as you start to realize through your haze that your home has been cleaned. This puzzles you; you don't remember any motherfucker offering to straighten up your digs. You walk past the front door and take in the sight of black bags piled up next to it, and they reek. You scratch your head in puzzlement and head to the nutritionblock.

You hear voices as you approach, and this time they're not in your head. You step through the threshold and look around. Your eyes automatically fall on your best motherfuckin' friend and a wide grin brightens your face. He looks up and shock is pained on his face like a mask; which reminds you that you still haven't painted your motherfuckin' face. You open your mouth to say "yo" but there's a movement behind your best bro and your eyes are quick to look.

Panic shoots through your chest so fast it takes a moment to register. Kanaya is standing behind Karkat with a teapot in hand and you need to get the motherfuck OUT. Karkat must have seen the change in your expression because he's on his feet now, arms out in front of him and his mouth is moving but you can't hear the words over the pounding in your hear tunnels. You bolt, back out of the nutrition block and back up the stairs. It's like all those sweeps ago in the medium, you hiding and her looking and motherfuck if she hasn't finally fucking found you.

Your breathing is ragged as your claw your way back up the stairs and sprint to your respiteblock. You slam the door closed and look for something to barricade the doors with. You hear Karkat scrambling up the stairs and you swiftly lock the door. You're hysterical, breath coming in ragged gulps and tears streaming down your face, beat pump pounding hard and fast in your chest; you feel like you're dying. Karkat is banging on the door, yelling that it's alright but you know that's a motherfuckin lie. Your emotions are crashing down on you at once but the one that hurts the most is betrayal. You shove your desk against the door and crawl to the safety of your closet.

You're curled up in a ball in your clothing receptacle, the thin door closed. You can hear Karkat talking to you through the door but you don't actually hear what he's saying. You don't care what he's saying. He betrayed you. He let the troll of your nightmares in your hive. But what you don't understand is why. You let out a choked sob, purple staining your skin as your tears and snot dribble down your face as you curl in on yourself and shut the world out.


	9. Chapter 9

"Gamzee open the fucking door! Please!" You pound against the wooden frame, head resting against the closed opening. Kanaya is standing behind you, a worried look pinching her delicate features as you plead for your moirail to let you in. He's not listening and worry and anxiety is starting to eat at your core.

"Karkat," you drag your forehead across the door to look at her, misery twisting your features into a prominent frown "maybe you should let him be for now. He is obviously unwilling to answer your requests. I propose we let him settle down a bit. Perhaps I should call the others now?"

"What fuckin' good will that do?" You mutter, despair grinding your patience away.

"Maybe he would listen to them; especially Tavros."

A small glimmer of hope burns in your chest at that thought. He hasn't talked to Tavros since before the game, you know that Tav messaged him on several accounts but Gamzee never answered. He was too afraid to.

You give her a small nod and she promptly turns around and heads back down the stairs, leaving you alone in the hallway with your thoughts.

"Hey Gamz…" your voice is just above a whisper, "do you remember that time when we were wrigglers? When I came over and we played on the beach? And how I fell and got sand in my fuckin eyes and you made me wash them out in the ocean… "You pause and chuckle, " damn that hurt. And you were so upset you started honking and crying. I was crying too." You pause, flashes of your past together making tears prick the corners of your eyes. " And do you remember that one time when you thought it would be a good idea to ride your one wheeled device down the stairs? You almost broke your damn neck; you were so high." You hear a muffled honk through the door; it encourages you to keep talking.

You talk to him about all sorts of old memories, from the time you were both children to the times on the Medium. You hear Kanaya quietly walk up the stairs after a bit and you look over at her. She gives you a nod and you just keep on talking. You talk about how sorry you are that you failed him as a moirail, how you should have done better to keep him happy and how if you could go back and do it over again you would and you'd do it right. You can hear him shuffling on the other side but you keep on talking; head pressed against the door.

"Do you remember on the Medium when you were hiding?" He shuffles against the door this time and you can hear him leaning his head against it as well. "I promised that nothing and no one would ever get you… I still mean that Gamzee. " You shift and whisper. "No one will EVER harm you Gamz… but you have to believe me; Kanaya's not here to hurt you, she's here to help." You hear him whisper something through the door and then a soft click as he turns the lock.

You glance up at Kanaya, hope shining in your eyes and she just gives you the simplest of nods before she turns away and heads back down the stairs. You reach for the knob, using it to pull yourself to your tired feet. Your legs have gone numb and pin pricks of feeling run up and down your shaky limbs.

"Gamzee… I'm coming in, alright?" You don't wait for an answer because you don't expect one. The door creeks as you push it open and darkness greets you.

"Why?" A muffled and pain filled voice calls out to you from across the room.

"I had to Gamz, I needed help- you needed help, and she was there."

"I don't need no motherfuckin' help from her!" His voice is like claws against your skin and your beatpump aches at the sound. You're trying to make your way across the room towards the sound of his voice when you step on one of those damned horns, it honks loudly and he honks with it, his voice loud and breaking and you know he's going off the edge again.

"Gamzee!" You yelp and fall, scrambling towards his hiding place in the darkened clothing receptacle. He's rocking back and forth like a wriggler with a skinned knee and it takes you a few tries to wrap your arms around him. He tries to shake you off but you refuse to be thrown. You're rocking with him, muttering soothing words into his hear tunnels and gently paping his face.

Eventually he calms down a bit, still a honk here and there but overall he's quiet, letting you pap his cheek and pet his hair and murmur soft words to him. He shifts and surprise briefly marks your face as he wraps his arms around your torso and squeezes, a quiet apology right behind it.

"It's OK Gamzee… it's OK."

"I'll motherfuckin trust you," he whispers, his voice hoarse and shaking ",I'll trust you."

"Then let's go downstairs, were going to have company soon."


End file.
